Hopeless Romantic

Hopeless romantic, it’s a word used perfectly to describe me. Often my friends or I use it in jest, to poke fun at my reaction to sappy movies, my current case of extreme infatuation, or my common complaint that everyone but me has got someone. The term is also used to explain my little stories about events that will supposedly take place in my blissful future, where apparently everything will be perfect. However, to me, in my quiet secluded thoughts, the word also takes on an entirely different meaning.
This meaning isn’t quite as innocent as the ones I showcase in my outer actions. Alone in my thoughts I contemplate that part of me that truly begins to become hopeless, quite without hope that “the one” will ever make an appearance in my life. So many years I’ve sat and watched others find happiness in their regard for another, the joy made tenfold by the return of those affections. This is what I see as I go through my life, without someone to return what I feel. Sure, I’ve had feelings for others, and that in itself makes life a little more entertaining for a while, but even then, something is missing. I’ve told myself countless times before that tomorrow, or next week, or perhaps next month, or year, I’ll finally find that someone who likes me back. Spending time in the world of my imagination, I’ve made up the scenarios of what it would be like, how I would feel. But my heart has never learned to know that feeling, that joy, because tomorrow, or next week, or month or year, has always come, without the fulfillment of my hopeful wishing. You come to a point, where with so many unfulfilled wishes, your heart begins to feel that it can’t take anymore. You begin to lose the will to dream, to wish on those shooting stars.
Looking back on the years that I’ve passed watching others hold hands in the halls, and posing for pictures at school dances, my heart is nearly to that point. Yet, it seems to be clinging, merely by a thread to that part of me that looks for a bright ray in my future, where all of my dreams just might come true. Somehow my heart whispers through its near agony, that one day, all my dying hopes and fears will culminate and come to an end in the birth of a love that will far surpass anything I’ve ever dreamed of. That one day, my prince, that knight in shining armor, will make his entrance on the path of my life. Somehow, through all the heartache and doubt that arises each day that I continue my life without finding him, the hope for that day remains. Perhaps, somewhere, his heart is out there speaking to mine, making me a solemn promise that one day, we will find each other.
Hopeless Romantic? Sure, that’s me, in it’s every meaning, though in and of itself it seems almost contradictory. Somehow the title puts together these two words with almost opposite meanings. It may cause you to ask how a romantic, someone who believes in love, can be hopeless, without a belief in the future. But I, I understand this double sided meaning, because it is me, and I am this word. The question is, in the end, which part of my heart will win the battle, the hopeless side, or the romantic?

Source:Random writing from thoughts I had