Goodbye

As I look forward to my near future, the time when I enter the world of adults, where I start of on my own, and go away to college, my excitement would be nearly impossible to contain, but one thing holds me back. The thought of the goodbyes I will have to make, the parts of me, and of my life that I will leave behind. The parts that never will be the same, even if they still remain on my visits home. I dread the thought of turning my back on my past, my history, my childhood. With this final goodbye, I can never return. I hate the fact that I have to say goodbye to the friends who have pulled me through the past few years, knowing that our friendship will never return to its present state, to what we were. I don’t necessarily want to say goodbye to the teachers and leaders who have helped to make me what I am, only to return for infrequent and short visits. As these thoughts weigh on my mind, they bring to mind goodbyes I’ve had to make in the past. How things have changed in a way that makes it impossible for them to ever be the same. These thoughts all tug at my heart, and all center around having to say goodbye, or missing the chance too.
A large part of the goodbyes that haunt my memory, have never been spoken out loud. These come from the friendships that have been left behind as hearts have grown apart, and time together stopped occurring. Too many of these litter my life. The times when for no apparent reason, a friendship has been allowed to slip away. At first I try to deny, and believe that somehow, we can keep that friendship alive. But too often, at last, I give in, and my heart whispers a goodbye, to what existed in that friendship, what we had, who we were. Each goodbye, tearing at my heart, leaving a small whole, which no other can fill.
Another type of goodbye has been less frequent in my life, but no less painful. The loss of a loved one to death brings about one of the saddest goodbyes I can recall. Tears cascade down my face, because I will not see them again for many years. These goodbyes never seem adequate, to span the time until we meet again. They too, leave a hole, but one that will heal.
Perhaps the one goodbye I recall most vividly was not one that I made to another, but one I said to myself, or at least the person I was. I remember realizing that somehow, the old me was gone, and I had become someone new. I remember having to let go, completely, of whom I had been, having to say goodbye, leaving behind a part of me, my childhood. I said goodbye and turned away from someone I understood almost completely, to find someone I did not know. Even now, I turn back, and see in the distance, the shadow of who I was. But that was a goodbye I cannot take back, one that must remain permanent. Somehow though, this goodbye, though one of the hardest, leaves not a hole in my heart, only a slight twinge every now and then, as I remember who I was.
I could spend hours contemplating the goodbyes I have made, and the marks they have left on me. However, thinking of goodbyes, always send my thoughts elsewhere, to the hellos that come after a goodbye, for the journey of life never ends, and there will always be someone new to greet. Sometimes I wonder, when the times of hellos come, if it will be worth it, or if I’ll just have to say goodbye too soon. But I’ve come to find, that despite how much a goodbye can hurt, the time between it and the preceding hello will always be worth it.

Source: randomly written